I gave up on a dream I could taste, it was so close to me. I gave up on her because I know I can never make her love me like I want her too. Like I love her. I gave up on him because I am not his and he is not mine. But she is and I am happy because I care. I didn’t give up on her yet. She told me she loved me the other day. She doesn’t know any better. But it felt good to know she still does and I am not ready to fuck that up yet. I gave up on these crooked sunglasses. I’ll buy new ones. I gave up on pleasing my boss. I gave up being my own boss. I gave up the training wheels and asked for them back. I gave up on keeping a full tank, on eating right and taking care of myself only to take it back and try again. I gave up on trying to fit in and stopping three seconds at every stop sign. I gave up on someone I thought about every single day. I feel like I have completely failed this time.

Hurt from you is filled to my neck and choking. I don’t want your face to be the one I see before I fall asleep, the one I have nightmares of, the one I wake up too. Every fucking night. It’s time and I want to know why you did it now. Tell me. I can feel you in my bones, boiling in my blood, resting heavy on my eyelids aching through my fingers and I just need some sort of sign. So that I can be ok again.

because I am not ok when you are heavy and polluting what could be clear thoughts.

I don’t feel ok with this.

Orange peels are making my nose ache and my mouth drool. Five water bottles half full half empty and she won’t stop typing. I want her to stop because im trying really hard to listen to this piano in the back of my head and all i can focus on are her boney pale fingers pounding on the keys and it’s sad but I can’t wait to be gone.

-“sunshine monologue, quiet desperation, absence if desire, with torn pages and minimal effort exerted due to weather and disappointment. I am not speaking, I am merely spitting, this could be one thousand things but it is this, now.”-

I want to taste the water, I want it against my face again and the sand under our feet and to hold your hand. I want to kiss you. I want to sneak off to the quiet place and read and smile from my soul and let my shoulders sun burn on lunch breaks.

Summer is just around the corner. Mosquito bites.

1. Telephones

(falling) love or in or whatever you want to call it but it doesnt matter because it’s a self inflicted deal.

High pony tail and bangs. Red. Ready and I want to do this thing now. Sneakers on and ready. Let’s do it already.

On my way out and I just miss things. I miss a lot of fucking things.

Popcorn in teeth and couch potatoes and mojitos and swimming pools and secret places and secrets from you and your office and tea and motorcycle rides and calls from her and letters from the other and everything.

Just everything. I am in the wrong place at the right time.

What does that even mean?

The sap on my hands from that invisible tree won’t come off and there is a chance of showers and my hair is straight and I am learning how to do things metaphorically.

The coffee is cold and stale and tastes like straight up tar. Thick in my mouth and I am sick. Sick and tired and stop talking because I don’t want to hear it and I’m annoying myself, I just want to paint. Let me paint. I feel like I need to and it’s getting so long and uncomfortable.

Ps. We won.

Black squares and rectangular objects.

Some are texturized and some are not and this music is putting me in a trance. Empty pop can.

Things come across differently in bold. Why is that?

Last night was chaos and I am tired. I am so fucking tired. Why can’t I sleep and why did I drink that orange juice. My mouth tastes like straight up acid and I want to gag. I have pulp stuck in my teeth and no such thing as a tooth pick would ever be found in a time like this.

It was titled “Little Man Being Erased.”

Over my dead body. (When)

???????????? Hello??????????

Radio in my head.

PVC pipe and He is happy resting in the sun and chewing, he never stops chewing and she never stops kissing.

Lips look tainted. They are tainted and they are dirty. They say dirty things and they imitate. Initiate. Inner conflict.

Toast in the toaster and pop goes that weasle. You are absolutely right, and I am God.

(Her) tongue feels like a dried up black olive and I can’t help but be grossed out, make (her) stop its gross. (awkward) but I think its the only way she knows how to be quiet is by tasting my skin. MANGO. Dialating pupils, squeeks slipping out and soft pecks…

My imagination is picturing colors, bold in the sky and I can’t wait for the storms to come and go. -soon- and this will all be over and we shall be on our way to a glorious fight.

(soon)

The thought of your face is like the taste of (anything) stale. Warm stone. Cold hands. Empty and the scent of your skin reminds me of foreign flowers.. .+ and so are you… Kite lines crossed and tied into knots.

We are like the books you read in reverse, understand less as the pages turn.

I don’t look back much. One light in a winters day spent in a cold bed. Nights were short and days were long .. But your memory is here. (still)

We were drawn to the ground after failure to fly.

The saltwater between fingers (mine) and a memory of you balancing the wall, ropes leading to the depths of darkness where the sea serpents swallow in gulps of blue..

Awkwardly cast. I am so alone. Today. Just give me some warm light on this dark day.

How I wish, how I wish you were here. We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

Sun sitting on my shoulders and my face. Feet laying on a cool floor. Elbows resting on my knees. The sun… Cool breeze through my hair…

Pink Floyd. Wish you were here.

Today is good. Today is really fucking good.

(6 days 2 hours)

(reevaluating) Continuously doing so.

I have a healthy heart. (Thank you Dr. Welch) Confirmation did me good, I thought after all of this shit I may have torched the damn thing.

Its been awhile since I have had to say things. (and) I appreciate that.  Life is simple again.  Ish.  Anxiety sneaks up and slaps me in the head occasionally when I start to realize how close March 28th really is.  -everything is going to be OK-

I killed all of the bugs and picked some sweet basil… Ate it with spagetti and did what the doctor said to do. R E L A X J U S T A L I T T L E B I T F O R G O D S A K E S.

“deep breath in……and let it out………deep breath in…..let it out…..”  Even though it felt like I couldn’t breathe she reassured me that my lungs are perfect.  “you are not going to die, stop worrying.”

Then I realized, “holy shit, i’m THAT person.”  But she said I was perfectly fine.   

I gave her the last of my money just to tell me that I was perfect.  My hearing will be back shortly,  and to enjoy the silence while I have it.

I hesitated.   

Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.

Had the most disturbing nightmare ever detailing the effects of men and breeding. My sub conscience is fucked up. I’m sure it had everything and nothing to do with that little bit of news. Whatever it was I am creeped out by my own inner thoughts. The thoughts that wrapped around the words and twisted themselves and stretched like pulled taffy in my brain. At times I wish I had the mute button. Annoying little voices everywhere could be so quiet.

Yesterday everyone was forgiving, understanding, missing, sad, but proud. All but her. As she sad there digging her pen in paper, huffing and puffing because no one was on her side. She thought I was the bad guy, manipulated her own thoughts just to believe, got crushed by mine. I “stormed the tunnel” yesterday. Yesterday was the day that I saw the sun. I am happy happy. The kind of happy that makes you sick to think about when you are not. Things could not be better for me, aligned to the T.

My gallery, my studio, my paintings back home, my relationships, my friends most importantly, everything is better now. It was sad to hear the news, upset he didn’t have the balls to tell me.

He never did tell me the whole truth.. Why? I don’t know. I thought I would have been hurt, crushed, cried, at least would have felt something, but I didn’t. It didn’t even surprise me. I knew it was coming. Just a matter of when.

Prepare, to be unprepared:)

My circle chair is whirling in circles, and my coffee is ready to be taken advantage of..

My tomato plant looks delicious, nice an plump little boogers:)

News.

I got it. You knew I would. That’s why you waited for her. To tell her.

She did your dirty work for you, she always had to and I don’t know why you wouldn’t just tell me. Like it would change anything. We are broken. (you)

Would have been icing, on our “tainted” cake.

Random text lead to something different. Unexpected. Bizarre, weird, intriguing, different… I find myself wondering.

I am the happiest I have been in so long.

The email sat saturating in my inbox before I had the balls to read it, now I am panicking.

Sweaty palms and nausea, head spinning and I am light headed.

I need to sit down now.

They know everything.